shannonsplanet

ouch

2005-02-15T17:48:00.001-08:00

i feel unidentifiable pain in a difficult to determine place. but something is most definitely wrong.

ouch

2005-02-15T17:48:00.000-08:00

i feel unidentifiable pain in a difficult to determine place. but something is most definitely wrong.

untitled on monday

2005-02-07T13:06:00.000-08:00

this weekend begged the question, what good is a cagey little crackwhore?

sick of you

2005-01-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

i puked in front of the gate to my house yesterday. then i cleaned it up with a tshirt that displayed the name of an ex-boyfriend's band.

a sweatervest don't

2005-01-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

there is no reason ever to wear a sweatervest over a sweater.

this weekend

2005-01-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

on saturday i bought a hat and a hamburger. on sunday i didnt try to buy things that started with I but maybe i should have.

the struggle ends

2005-01-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

any happily ever after picture would include lots and lots of pooh babies every day for years to come.

the end.

party or death for jesus ladies?

2005-01-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

should the ladies who hand out watchtower magazines at the BART station be put before a firing squad? or should they be fete'd with a party in their esteemed honor before god and commuters everywhere?

i can't make up my mind.

floor warden

2004-12-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

in all the petty tasks one is required to perform in the name of office drudgery, is there any greater indignity than being a floor warden?

i think not.

i have to wear an orange baseball cap, no one listens to me, much less takes me seriously, and on top of all that, i would abandon my post in a second if there was an actual emergency.

2 kinds of public transit scary

2004-11-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

yesterday on BART i sat next to this guy who was reading his own diary. he had manically scrawled it into one of those 50's era composition notebooks and was highlighting parts of it with a bright yellow highlighter pen.

it was a little scary, but only in an "i fear for you, dude," kind of way, not in an "i fear that this person will take a bite out of my arm," kind of way.

i am soooo sick of nazis!

2004-11-19T10:35:00.000-08:00

according to the history channel, the only historically significant event that ever happened was world war two.

fabulously fighting the powers that be

2004-11-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

If only there was gay gangsta rap.

Life Metaphor Taxation and its Representation Discussion

2004-11-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

i had to copy a 1400 page tax return today, bitches.

how is that a metaphor for my life?

kevin fucking smith

2004-11-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

last night brad and i ordered chinese food and watched jersey girl which is the WORST movie i have seen in a long time.

i won't go so far as to say it's the WORST MOVIE EVER but it was pretty fucking bad.

here's how bad it is - there is this scene where ben affleck is called upon to give a speech to assuage the fears the jersey townspeople have about some disruptive construction work that ben afleck and his dad, george carlin (!!!???), really want to do. ben affleck used to be a public relations hot shot, so george carlin asks him to get up there and give the speech of his life because he's the only lunkhead on their crew with the god given talent to do so.

that's not horrible in and of itself. trite, yes, but horrible; no. but to impress upon the audience how moving and effective ben affleck is at public speaking, kevin fucking smith plays the scene as a mutherfucking MONTAGE of ben afleck giving the speech from behind, ben afleck raising his arms out expansively to make a point, the concerned and moved looks of the jersey citizenry's faces as they stare trustingly at ben affleck, etc. BUT WE NEVER ACTUALLY HEAR ANY OF THE SPEECH!!!!

have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous as a FUCKING MONTAGE of a moving speech in a movie? i mean, it's a speech and it's a movie so why not show a scene of ben affleck actually MAKING a riveting speech to MAKE the fucking point that the speech is riveting and that he is a riveting speaker?

i'm still obviously quite irritated about it today.

when the film ends the viewer is left with the sense of having been subjected to a totally fucking gay movie pathetically laboring under an edgy indie film pretense. it was hateful and you'll feel totally screwed if you watch it.

back in black

2004-11-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

i just found a piece of blackened avocado on the floor underneath my desk.

it's not like it smelled bad or anything but should i try to deny it's mine?

back in the pink

2004-11-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

something awful happened last week about midweek that rendered me incapable of blogging but i'm blocking it out of my memory. i'm in denial. it's festering somewhere in my subconscious but im not going to pay it no never mind and then it will be like it never happened.

TRA LA LA LA LA.

it's just like that time i woke up naked but for a pair of rainbow striped leg warmers on the bathroom floor, staring stupidly at my bloodstained toilet paper cozy. i picked myself up off the floor and smiled at the toilet paper cozy, then i made scrambled eggs and all has been well ever since last week about mid week which i'm not going to talk about anyways.

in other positive mental health choices news related to me, i am happy to inform you that my paris hilton costume was a sucess! if i transcend my mental retardation re; blogger's interface, i will post pictures.

one night in paris

2004-10-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

1. sunless tanning cream (check)
2. stuffed yo querro taco bell dog
3. slutty shirt from wet seal or forever 21
4. blonde wig
5. super low rise jeans (check)
6. gold lamay high heels (check)

am i missing anything?

boo! scary.

2004-10-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

i'm going to be paris hilton for halloween.

glenn close

2004-10-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

who fucking cares about glenn close?

i could give a fuck about glenn close.

about me today

2004-10-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

mild sadness.

a little apathy.

my life is contextualized by a background of uncertainty.

puppet flip flop

2004-10-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

ive thought it over and i realize my condemnation of the puppet movie was unwarranted. it's good stupid stuff. go see it on the big screen.

America - FUCK YEAH

2004-10-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

to my dismay, i cannot recommend that you see the puppet movie in theaters now.

you should wait till it comes out on video.

my big plan

2004-10-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

as soon as i recover from this totally debilitating cold, i am going to see the puppet movie.

2004-10-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

cough

cough

COUGH

sniffle...

making the most of impact day

2004-10-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

in between scarfing handfulls of herbal diet pills, i am making wry observations about very bad dogs mauling very nice people and writing it all down.

revelations

2004-10-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

it turns out that i'm not as pretty as i thought and that my chosen enemies are unswerving in their dedication to destroy me.

impact day

2004-10-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

oh man. i told kent he was being particularily joyless this week and he was all, "well at least i'm giving of myself this week." so i said, "oh man! i knew you were mad at me - i told hal you were pissed at me for not doing impact day." and he said, "hal who?" and i said, "you know hal - my little friend hal." and he was all, "hal kessler?" and i was all, "NO! not THAT guy! you know - my friend hal!" and he was all, "oh yeah."

so here is the deal with impact day - you go do company sanctioned charity work and wear company tshirts while you're doing it instead of go to work this friday. no one is going to tell me that that's not schilling for the man's corporate interest. it's totally offensive. i mean, i already enslave myself 5 days a week to do company sanctioned actual work so there's no reason i should make the company look like they actually care about people and society. any quasi-conscious person would know that they're just doing it to cover up that all the unconscionable shit they do in the name of "serving the client," which basically means profiting anyway, anyhow, anywhere.

kent's position was who cares WHY they're doing it? at least they're doing SOMETHING for a good cause. fuck that! if i'm going to believe that then i might as well believe that monkies like giving blow jobs to kittens so i should go support forced cross species animal husbandry causes right now! fuck that! i bet they wouldn't make THAT a part of impact day!

so fuck them. i'm surfing the internet all day on friday while everyone's gone. fuck the man.

three cheers for herbal crack cocaine

2004-10-05T13:24:00.000-07:00

yesterday i took a couple of these herbal diet pills.

they totally wigged me out, man!

it was like over the counter crack. i sent all these super long emails and read all kinds of articles on the world wide web internet thingie. then later, when i was coming down, i got into an argument with kent about impact day which i will detail tomorrow when i tell you more about impact day and why i'm strongly opposed to it.

i didn't eat hardly anything but i felt like crap so i'm not sure how long this whole herbal diet pill regimen is going to last. i still kind of feel like crap actually but i just know life will make perfect sense and be filled with endless glory and victory if i lose five more pounds.

hooters vs. hubbard

2004-10-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

a question for those who know me best:

would i be a better hooters waitress or a scientology auditor?

people i hate

2004-10-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

i'm listing the top three people i hate in the reverse order that one would normally use to build suspense because number three might be a bit of a surprise.

1. george w. bush

2. karl rove

and now for number 3..... drumroll please....

PARIS HILTON.

this is why.

2004-09-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

blah blah blah ad infinitum.

ghetto phone

2004-09-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

dude, this weekend i left my phone sitting in cup of coffee overnight and now it doesn't work anymore!!!

i had to reactivate my old phone, the display of which no longer works. i can't screen my calls. i can't use the phone book look up function. i can't do any texting!

i can only recieve and make calls.

let me once again reiterate between sobs that i can't see the calls i'm getting or dialing!!

have you ever heard of anything so ghetto in your whole life?

A True Story

2004-09-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

"They say it is not mandatory but they are TRACKING IT!" screeched the hobbit. Then it threw it's spreadsheet on the ground and hobbled off in it's high heels.

five bucks

2004-09-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

bitch. gimmee five dollars, bitch. i don't care. use paypal or something. no i don't have an account. figure it out, bitch.

kent continued

2004-09-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

i told kent to shut up today. then i told him his daughter looked like a badger.

lunch

2004-09-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

i dont like it when i'm eating chicken and you can see little bits of red veinous muscle stryations in the meat.

jesus's soundtrack

2004-09-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

i saw a christian rock band rocking out at the 24th street bart station this saturday and decided that there are no circumstances under which i would choose to listen to christian rock.

that and my crafty friend christina coming back from her sabatical back east are the only blogg worthy things that happened this weekend.

good deeds will be rewarded

2004-09-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

last night i did a really nice thing. i went to pick up a jacket that my space case friend left at the ACT theater. my friend may be a spacecase but she's also quite glamourous. seriously, she is a production assistant so she's always fetching things for celebrities. you know you're jealous and that you wish you could be the one to get christina ricci a bagel. anyways, she is on a photo shoot somewhere right now so she asked me to get her jacket because she doesnt want it to go bad or anything like that in the ACT lost and found.

i was not even expecting anything in return, aside from the satisfaction of doing something very nice for someone i very much adore, but when i got to the box office i got a nice little treat. i had a mega metal celebrity sighting! i saw the lead singer for metallica picking up his will call tickets with his old lady. he was wearing a pair of snakeskin boots and some whack pink tinted sunglasses. why is it that when rock stars get famous and old they just don't know how to dress anymore?

roshashanna

2004-09-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

happy new jew review!

all coww before the glory of my hat

2004-09-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

my hat is so cool!

all coww before the glory of my hat.

it's reversible! i knew that when i bought it but i really fully understood today how totally rad my hat is when i realized i could turn it inside out and rock a whole different vibe.

from pink to tweed to pink then back to tweed. it's like the circle of life.

my saturday hat

2004-09-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

i got this rad new hat on saturday that looks sort of like this. i then felt the need to wear it everywhere i went and i did just that.

i went to see mark read a book on stage on saturday night. he was so good! his story was great and his stage presence was totally enviable. i was quite impressed. then i went to see mr. & mr. & mr. & mr. & mr. evil at the hemlock with amr. we sat down on a bench like the decrepitly aged thirtysomething hipsters we are and watched the show. then amr pussed out and wouldnt go to an all night dance party with me because he had to get his surf on the next morning. he seemed like he thought that his not wanting to stay out past 1:00 AM reflected poorly on his manhood or something. i was totally cool with it however because i'm always down to go to sleep.

in fact the only bad part about going home and going to sleep was that i couldnt wear my hat anymore. then i couldnt wear it the next day either because it's really not an every day kind of hat.

i'm back

2004-09-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

i'm back. i was in delaware, bitches. i was visiting my dad. every single restaurant we went to he would look at me all serious and say, "now honey, they have the best _______ in the world here." except instead of a blank line he would say, pancakes or seafood bisque and sometimes instead of the world he would say, "in the western hemisphere." then i would eat whatever he said was the most best in the world or the western hemisphere and it would be good but definitely not the best every single time.

i got back and there was a message from this recruiter who is trying to get me a phat job somewhere other than here. it's at this company where i know for a fact a TON of cute guys work, and the money would be good, possibly even 10K gooder than it is here and it would be cooler in general because it's in "corporate branding" so it would still be souless and evil but at least it would souless and evil in an "edgy" way. i'm thinking that working there would be kind of like when, you can't help it, you just think a comercial's funny and yet you feel bad for assigning a commercial any merit whatsoever but it still makes you smile and chortle a little bit.

but, get this, there is something fishy about this whole opportunity. the reason they are filling the position is because the person who just left the job left the job by means of suicide. the recruiter assured me, however, that the person did not off themself because of the job. she said he "had demons" and left a note saying how nice everyone at the job was.

lunch time

2004-09-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

when all is said and done, i dont like going out to lunch with people i work with. basically hal is the only person i like going out to lunch with whom i also work with. why? why bother? you would never hang out with them if you didnt work with them so why would you hang out with them when you're basically at work itself?

i have to go out to lunch with kevin today because he is leaving the firm. kevin is gay but pretends he's not which in my opinion is pretty gay although i guess i understand.

oh wait, you know what, i like going out to lunch with my supervisor too but that's different because he's super gay and talks shit about everyone.

am i a jenna or a barbara?

2004-09-01T12:50:00.001-07:00

if i was a bush twin, which bush twin would i be?

the days of meat and chocolate

2004-08-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

i have pms.

real life rain man

2004-08-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

i met a real life rain man guy this morning who told me exactly what the weather was like on july 8th in 1982. i asked him what it was like on december 12 in 1982 and he said, i only know about july and august, i don't think about the rest of the months. who knew that idiot savants had a predilectionary savoir faire thing going on with their obsessive compulsions?

pow! suprise

2004-08-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

secret week is over because i have to tell you about the most random fucked up thing that happened to me yesterday.

a complete stranger punched me on the street in broad daylight! ouch. he slugged me in the arm really hard. today there is a bruise there and it's sore. i didnt even see what he looked like because he got on a bus immediately after he decked me. all i know is that he was 5'11", black, and had the kind of duffell bag that is generally preferred by the perpetually homeless.

if you see him, tell him the guys who run the corner store by my house want to kick his ass.

beauty secret

2004-08-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

one should always put beauty before thrift.

you simply can't afford to cut corners when it comes to make up. this maxim includes impulse buys like lipstick or novelty gear like glitter eye shadown that would only be worn for a special occasion.

to put it bluntly, spending less than $20 on a tube of lip gloss is just plain ridiculous.

secret guest appearance

2004-08-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

i went to see the movie code 46 last night. it was pretty good except hal and i agreed that there were some holes in the story. you can't help but wonder, if their society is so technologically advanced, why can't they just develop a virus that will spontaneously abort any pregnancies by people who have similar or exact DNA helixes? i mean, come on. sheez.

in keeping with secret week, i will tell you a secret about the movie. come closer. closer. is your nose pressed against the computer screen so that no one else around you can see what you're reading? ok. now i will tell you something that will spoil a nice little surprise for you if you go to see the movie. mick jones is in the movie as himself and he sings a clash song.

part two on tuesday of secret week

2004-08-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

i secretly worry that no one likes me and try to compensate for it by being very cute and charming.

secret week or 'geheime Woche' per leiderhosen

2004-08-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

i have decided to tell you some secrets this week. to kick off secret week i will tell you a not so secret secret. my brother is an astrologer. he knows EVERYONE in my family's charts by heart.

this weekend he told me that my venus and mars placements make me "an intense aggressive woman."

i dont want to be intense and agressive. i want to be subtle, coy and demure.

i think my minion wants to do me

2004-08-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

i think my minion wants to do me. he won't leave me alone now. people are starting to talk.

it's all about the teeth

2004-08-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

i have to go to the dentist today.

ow.

whole new week, whole new minion

2004-08-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

i have a new minion this week and, get this, he has the same name as the last minion. coincidence? maybe.

anyways, this minion is kicking some serious ass. he's done everything i asked him to do in record time and he's pleasant and sort of witty. i'm afraid he's going to steal my job actually. maybe i should kill him.

me and don knotts

2004-08-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

last night i almost watched the don knotts biography special on the biography channell but i couldnt bring myself to actually do it.

team break with the hobbit and the question monkey

2004-08-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

hal and i had to go to a team break meeting today. team break is what they make all the secretaries do here so we can learn how to bend over and take it from the man good and proper. each month we go to this meeting where we watch a presentation and get really old pieces of candy. then we break off into little groups and do an activity to make sure that we GET the presentation, hence the name "team break." this month we learned about how to make our performance enhancement goals "smart" as opposed to "fuzzy."

the first thing that sucks about breaking off into groups is that because hal and i always sit next to each other, we're never in the same group. (they make us go around the room and count off 1, 2, 3 and then - well, you remember from camp how that kind of thing goes). so then me and hal can't roll our eyes meaningfully at each other or trade snarky comments and that sucks.

my team break group consisted of this very large but very nice lady from the typing pool (document services is what they call it nowadays), the super nice beefy gay guy who works in graphic design, the hobbit and the question monkey. the hobbit, of course, spaced out through our whole group. i swear she's on drugs. she once told me that i would look great in a bikini and told another woman who works here that she thought that woman was getting fat and that she was glad to see she was just pregnant. she also told hal that he looked really sexy with his new haircut once. he nicknamed her the hobbit because she's almost midget sized short, not because she's got hairy feet or a really nice engagement ring.

the question monkey is like this whole other thing that i can't get into right now because this post is already super long. let's just suffice it to say that she used to be my cube neighbor and i like her a lot but i like her a lot better now that she's not sitting next to me and asking me stupid shit all day long like, "why didn't you tell me there were buffalos in golden gate park!" anyways, she was really out of it because she did a bunch of ecstacy and some unnamed nasal drugs at reggae on the river and got sun stroke earlier this week.

so we had to do this exercise and the beefy gay guy was our team captain but he didnt say anything so myself and the fat typist sort of perked up and pitched in and took charge and the hobbit and the question monkey practically fell asleep and then we finished it and the beefy gay guy wrote everything down and everyone at the team break re-assembled back into the big group round table discussion and then it was time to go to lunch and we never read the exercises back to each other.

the end

yesterday

2004-08-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

yesterday sucked! i got chewed out. i got in trouble. i felt like a total dork and not in a good way. now i'm not talking to someone that it's an effort to talk to in the first place.

oddly enough, not talking to them is worse than talking to them.

whereas actually talking to this person is always stilted and lame and fake at best, not talking to them is like that but somehow amplified with the volume turned all the way down.

the master race?

2004-08-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

are british people a master race? they seem so much more confident and interesting than the rest of us. or at least all these tea bags in this office seem that way. yesterday one of them told me he went on a "meaningful" bike ride over the weekend.

i was all, "meaningful in terms of distance or, like, it was deep?"

i can't remember exactly what he said back to me but he replied that it was significant in terms of length. and he implied it with confidence and what he said was really interesting.

monday, august 9, 2004

2004-08-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

today i ran into a chloriney eyed ajax on the street corner where we seem to always run into each other. it was nice to see him but i was trying not to stand too close to him because i had coffee breath. but then at the end of the conversation, i initiated a hug anyways. huggies!

heather and i went to home depot yesterday. i could go anywhere with heather and have just oodles of fun. which i did, in fact. why is it that you can be bored through total ragers with some people but then other people you can have a complete blast with, even when you're doing something mundane beyond measure together?

my minion might still be drunk. he didn't come to work today either. im starting to take it personally.

my drunken minion

2004-08-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

so my minion went home sick today because i have it on good authority that he was hungover. dude whatever. i need my minions to be not drunk when they come to work.

hal vs. kent

2004-08-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

-----Original Message-----
From: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2004 11:24 AM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE: Exchange Mailbox Move--Your mailbox is scheduled to be Moved Monday Night (8/9/04)

Clearly he should just remain in Europe indefinitely.

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2004 11:20 AM
To: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Subject: FW: Exchange Mailbox Move--Your mailbox is scheduled to be Moved Monday Night (8/9/04)

behold the retardation.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kent (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2004 11:12 AM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE: Exchange Mailbox Move--Your mailbox is scheduled to be Moved Monday Night (8/9/04)

But the e-mail says I have to re-cradle my device while in Connect mode in Outlook to resume receiving messages. I will not be in connect mode again until I return from Europe…thoughts?

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2004 11:04 AM
To: Kent (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE: Exchange Mailbox Move--Your mailbox is scheduled to be Moved Monday Night (8/9/04)

it's an emergency and there is no way they can make an exception.

they are doing this in the middle of the night so it should not effect you. you should be ok if you bring your blackberry cradle with you and do a FULL sync.

so
-----Original Message-----
From: Kent (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2004 9:39 AM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: FW: Exchange Mailbox Move--Your mailbox is scheduled to be Moved Monday Night (8/9/04)
Importance: High

Shannon-
Can you do me a big favor today and see if I can get the date of the mailbox move referenced below delayed until I am back from vacation (after 8/24)…they picked absolutely the worst time to do this because it looks like I won't be able to receive e-mail on my blackberry until I get back if they do this on monday….thanks.
Kent

my minion

2004-08-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

should i feel guilty when the temp i am bossing around comes over to my desk and i'm updating my blogg? i don't know if i'm cut out to have a minion.

ps: the below blogg post is meant to be read from bottom to top. it's an email thread. not like a thread of ... thread. more like a conversational flow that's called a thread.

hal grows weary of my antics

2004-08-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 4:44 PM
To: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

uh, stop mistaking us champions for buttfaces. And your little dog too.

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 4:41 PM
To: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

stop being tired of my antics!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 4:41 PM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

charmed, I'm sure.

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 6:15 PM
To: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

you have to help me then because my champion's dad just died. she won't be able to champion it if she is bereaved.

can you help me tomorrow, buttface?

-----Original Message-----
From: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 5:35 PM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

naw, just teasing. There is supposedly a DTE 'champion' on every floor though.
Marcy Reynolds is yours. But yeah, I can walk you through it.

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 5:30 PM
To: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

why not? do you not like me anymore? have you grown tired of my antics?

-----Original Message-----
From: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 5:24 PM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe.

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 5:26 PM
To: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

will you show me how to use it tomorrow morning? can you come down and help me?

-----Original Message-----
From: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 5:16 PM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

yeah. what about it?

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 4:50 PM
To: Hal (US - San Francisco)
Subject: RE:

hey - did you ever figure out how to use the new DTE system?

exactly what's wrong with the color purple

2004-08-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

didnt i tell you i was going to tell you exactly what's wrong with the color purple? didn't i? see? you need to trust me. there must be trust between us.

have you ever known someone who really liked the color purple? not the movie, but the color itself. the one you get when you mix red and blue. have you ever known a purple person? remember horse girls in grade school? remember how there was always one girl who was really into horses? i assert that occasionally in life one runs across purple people who are similarily drawn to the color purple the same way those girls in grade school were drawn to horsies and that those purple people sooner or later go CRAZY.

i had a roommate in college who loved purple. she had a purple futon. she had a purple shower curtain. she had purple ice cube trays. she had lots of purple socks. she started to get really into growing african violets and myrantas which, of course, are naturally smattered with purple. she kept these weird flourescent lights on them 24 hours a day which made them grow into these ridiculously huge and strong super plants. she started dating homeless guys soon after that and obessively picking her face to get imagined plant pieces out of them and eventually had to move back home to her parent's house.

ok, yeah, so all the speed she was doing did not help matters and, yes, at the time i thought that was why she was so whacked out but my recent experience with another purple person makes me wonder about purple and the fragile psyches of purple people.

until her recent mental breakdown, i worked with another assistant who had the most purpley hued cube you've ever seen in your life. we're talking purple post-it's, a purple chair, a purple pillow on the chair, a purple candy dish, candies wrapped in purple wrapping in said purple dish, purple binders, purple high ligher pens, purple folders, purple flower vases, pens with fuzzy purple tops, purple mardi gras beads, and, last but not least, a collection of purple miniature cars lined up in a neat purple row across the top of her cube.

she started avoiding conversations and throwing her work into drawers and not doing anything (i actually sometimes do work when i'm here, which begs the rhetorical question who's the one that's crazy?). apparently she was going through a really bad divorce and some other unmentionable difficulties but i'm starting to think that was an effect as opposed to a cause. i mean, really, doesnt being so into purple that you go out and buy your own purple office supplies point to serious issues? it should have been a warning sign. she is now on permanent dissability and no one will say why...

i'm a genius

2004-08-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

i'm a genius. after three years at this firm i have finally figured out how to use the big stapler.

i'm retarded

2004-08-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

ugh! could someone PLEASE PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE show me how to use this stupid blogger software??? i can't post a photo of my hairdo, i can't turn on atom. i'm completely retarded!!! help me.

ps: i haven't forgotten about the color purple. i'm still going to tell you about it. i'm working on it. it's taking a while.

M. Night Shyamalan

2004-07-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

M. Night Shyama-LAME is more like it.

word to the wise

2004-07-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

when a woman dramatically changes her hairstyle the appropriate response is NOT:

what did you do to yourself?

ps: i'm too pissed off right now to detail the evils of the color purple. tomorrow, i promise.

stay tuned

2004-07-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

wait till tomorrow when i tell you all about the color purple and how it drives people CRAZY.

also, i did not think it would ever be possible but i'm starting to love george w. bush. he is a great man and knows a lot about obscure music.

sleeping with spoonbender

2004-07-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

did you know that prior to his career as a psychic superstar uri geller was a sucessful male model?

that's what gets imprinted on your brainwaves when you pass out with the biography channel on.

monday

2004-07-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

my supervisor just came by and said, "you have to try this," and he gave me a blob of hand sanitizer. my hands feel very unsullied now but i can't be using that stuff all the time. it's just not sexy to smell like one of those tree shaped car deoderizers.

guess what that makes me

2004-07-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

Q: would a self respecting OG eat soggy grape nuts for lunch in order to meet a work deadline?

A: no. but a gaybot drone would.

ps: i hate kent.

that brad

2004-07-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

last night me and brad went to see the metallica documentary. it was good. but really, how could watching self absorbed filthy rich rock stars go through group therapy with a super gay performance coach be bad?

brad effortlessly won the art trivia question because he is so damn smart. he's a genius. did you know that? he is seriously like scary stephen hawking smart.

what does a trivia question have to do with the metallica documentary? well, because he answered the question the bridge theater posed at the refreshment counter correctly, we won a free bag of popcorn. for some unknown reason they put the popcorn straight into one of those boxes they give you to carry your popcorn, drinks and hot dogs and probably condoms too if you're into that sort of thing. WTF? i would have preferred a bag.

i drowned the kernels in brewers yeast and then proceeded to eat nearly almost all of them myself. as i shoved the popcorn into my mouth at a rapid, nay gluttonous, pace, i got brewer's yeast all over my chest.

brad was all, "you have a baker's duo now."

that brad.

powerpoint presentations, low carbohydrate contents and blogger antics

2004-07-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

if i hadn't eaten a brownie for a year and a half, i would think that the brownie crunch lite offering from the carbsmart product line was ok in the sense that it's basically edible. but i've only been sort of kind of committed to a low carb lifestyle for the better part of this year so it just tastes like ass.

i attended a not to be missed cutting edge blogger summit with ajax and zack at the tunnell top last night after our respective daily grinds came to a close.

i was late because i was totally toiling. at 5:28 PM, i finally told the new guy to f off and to go do his own damn powerpoint slides and that i didnt care about his stupid meeting in milipitus because i had my own damn meeting to go. he said, of course, that's understandable. that's right, bitch.

bitches. all of them bitches.

2004-07-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

you know how in rosemary's baby when mia farrow is lying in bed, going:

"witches. all of them witches."

i feel like that today. except i'm all,

"bitches. all of them bitches."

this especially relates to kent, of course, but also to the new guy.

the new guy is nice in a bland sort of way and nothing is extremely urgent, ASAP like everything is with kent. that makes the new guy pretty a-ok in my book, but he is pretty weird looking and it makes me sad to ponder what he does in his off hours. there are no pictures on his desk and no pictures on his walls. there is no wedding ring on his hand and no hint whatsoever of what, if anything, he might be interested in other than international tax law.

BOOM: five on monday

2004-07-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

1. i am so sick of my hair.

2. i saw dan on friday.

3. i am not entirely sure where i stand on meaningless trysts with hippies.

4. ted casablanca is a relevant, cutting edge news correspondent with his finger on the pulse of the things that matter most, but why can't he speak in english?

5. did you watch six feet under last night? i was TOTALLY HORRIFIED. i couldnt wait for it to end. i can't figure out if that makes for good or bad television.

i, robot

2004-07-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

i, robot looks oy, gaybot.

a curmudgeonly post

2004-07-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

tonight i am going to a 20 something hipster clusterfuck art show at yerba buena where the coachwhips are playing.

groan. coachwhips.

moan.  20 something hipster kids.

these kids today with their ironic mullets and their white belts and their cocaine.

poverty

2004-07-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

last night i bought a huge hunk of truly substandard cheese.

i winced at the taste of it. i hope it tastes better when it's melted.

that is how poor i am.

a dilemna for the urban single woman with disposable income

2004-07-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

per your review:

what to do? what to do?

i can purchase just one of the below mentioned consumer goods next week when i gets paid:

1. new pair of black flat shoes with round toes.

2. go to hair color specialist to dye hair all dark with no highlights.

please advise.

ajax FLAKED on our lunch plans today because things aren't going "my way" (his words) at work. he said so in a really nice email informing me of his intention to flake.

that bitch.

i'm wondering if he somehow intuited that i was going to force him to shop for make up with me after we ate. the last time we went out to lunch i made him to go to the hello kitty store AND wet seal. he looked really uncomfortable at wet seal because any straight male over the age of seventeen would feel like a sexual deviant for being there. i think he genuinely enjoyed the hello kitty store though.

my un-ending toil

2004-07-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

FUCK!

i have to go to the most boring meeting in the world in 23 minutes.

then, when i come back i have to do something so mindless a dyslexic monkey could do it drunk!

my days here are un-ending toil!

if i told you what i have to do when i get back from the meeting, you would fall asleep and die.

vermin in the house

2004-07-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

i found a dead mouse next to the stove last night.

back in the office - me and kent, together again

2004-07-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

kent just asked me to do something.

i said, "why can't you do it?"

he said, "doesn't x = y + z? so therefore i can't?"

i said, "NO!"

then he did it himself.

serves him right. fucker.

LA ex boyfriend story

2004-07-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

i hung out with my high school/college boyfriend yesterday. he is a high powered clothing buyer for hot topic. he's making so much $ right now it's sick. he just sent his girlfriend to beauty school in new mexico.

here is how cool he is: he has a car that he can talk to and it talks back to him.

he's all, "find nearest chinese."

and the car finds all the chinese restaurants within a .5 mile radius.

he took me to a restaurant with crazed papparazzis outside and then he waited patiently for me while i geeked out at a really good comics store called meltdown.

i cannot for the life of me remember why we broke up. i think i got mad because he wasnt paying enough attention to me and then we called it quits and went back and forth and then i moved here. the end.

my brushes with fortune and fame in LA

2004-07-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

i'm in LA, babes.

tonight i went to a chinese restaraunt. my fortune cookie said:

YOUR COURAGE WILL GUIDE YOUR FUTURE

YES! i am so going to win!

i never get fortune cookies like that in SF. the cookies in SF are more parable based.

today i was jogging in echo park and i saw that actor who played dirk diggler's best friend in boogie nights.

he's really tall.

he said, "hey," to me.

i bet he doesnt say hey to just anyone. i'm not like trying to imply that there was necessarily a love connection going on there but i dont think he was just worried about his dog coming up at me and getting all up in my face, if you know what i mean. do you? do you know what it's like to get hit on by a b list celebrity? i mean, i'm not saying i do either. i'm just, you know, wondering.

my super gay supervisor

2004-07-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

i've never told you anything about my supervisor, have you? he's pretty rad.

this one time he called me and he's all, i need you to settle an argument for me. scott peterson, hot or not?

i almost died twice today

2004-06-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

the internet was broken at work today for like 4 hours. i thought i was going to die.

someone i work with got a salad that had a maggot worm in it today. ew! their salad was from the place i eat salads at every day. AND it was the same salad i eat every day! AND i ate that very same salad today! i feel like i'm going to barf. i can never eat there again. now it's like a part of me has died. the part of me that likes to eat at bistro burger is now dead, gone, and as of this post, eulogized.

that makes two times in one day i evaded death. shannon = 2, reaper = 0.

untitled

2004-06-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

remember when i told you that day would come when i would hate kent again?

it is here.

i hate him so much.

you can't even say hi? you can't you even LOOK at me? what am i? am i just some bobble head doll with a passably ok rack that sends faxes as a vacant maniacal grin spreads across her big fat cheeks?

WHATEVER, dude. go fax this, you FUCK.

not you. i'm not talking to you. i'm talking to kent.

rusx: the boy outside the plastic bubble

2004-06-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

this saturday i went to a barbecue where i hung out with rusx and we sort of bonded over the fact that we're both pisces.

in fact, our birthdays are two mere days apart!

in light of said bonding, i thought it would be ok to ask for a bite of banana cream pie off his plate, but he just looked at me with this odd, blank stare.

then he's all, "do you have your own fork? i'm weird like that."

who knew that beneath that casual cool laissez faire i'm ok you're ok exterior lurks a neurotic germ phobe freak?

then he went to get me a fork so i could take a bite of his pie without giving him cooties. even though some might say that he was overcompensating for his mental illness, i thought it was a really nice and chivalrous gesture on his part.

speaking of chivalry, i can't thank my new friend ,zack, who i've never met, enough for giving me a crash course in basic html so i could jazz up this story with links.

i am in touch with my feelings

2004-06-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

because i have gay ass new age tendencies, i am in touch with my feelings.

i think that me hating kate, whoops, i mean, KENT is really all about me hating my job. all he does is ask me to do stuff that i'm supposed to do. i hate my job so i say fuck that guy, i shall blow off every single thing he tells me to do. how fair is that to kent? not fair at all. how fair is that to me? not fair to me at all. who benefits from that arrangement?

THE MAN. that ominiscent eye in the sky who wants to keep me in a golden cage. yes, it's none other than THE MAN. but then again, isn't it always? it's always THE MAN. he wants me beat down by the forces of capitalism, hating poor kent because it will keep me from hating THE MAN himself!!!! i mean, how can i really hate kent in the face of that cold hard truth? especially when he sends me snappy email retorts like this that really, when it gets right down to it, keep me from dying of boredom:

-----Original Message-----
From: Kent (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Thursday, June 24, 2004 5:16 PM
To: Elke (US - Los Angeles); Bart (US - San Francisco); Robert (US - Los Angeles); Jairaj (US - Los Angeles)
Cc: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: CA Suite Team - Quality Review

All-
In anticipation of the potential Quality Review that is coming up in CTS, we should all make a solid effort at trying to make sure we are complying with the various rules the firm has in place. One important area relates to engagement letters, CFADs, etc. Please see the revised engagement matters spreadsheet. Again, Shannon will be the keeper of the master version of this, so direct any changes to her, for her to make those changes in the master spreadsheet. Thanks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Shannon
To: Kent
Subject: RE: CA Suite Team - Quality Review

the keeper of the master version of this sounds like a metal album.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kent (US - San Francisco)
Sent: Friday, June 25, 2004 9:07 AM
To: Shannon (US - San Francisco)
Subject: Re: CA Suite Team - Quality Review

I think it actually was.....Motorhead I believe.

if you have been enjoying the on-going saga of kent, never fear. this is not the end. stay tuned. there is sure to be more kent hating down the road. i constantly have epiphanies about how i am truly at the source of my own annoyance with kent and then forget them. and it will also take me a while to find a job that will keep me in the lifestyle i've become accustomed to AND keep me from wanting to get dead drunk at my desk everyday.

me blaming kent and mary kate olsen for a bloggless wednesday

2004-06-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry there was no blogg entry yesterday. i was too distraught over mary kate olsen being hospitalized for her eating disorder to blogg good and proper. how can i think straight when that weird little monkey girl is being force-fed ensure? hasn't she been through enough? i mean, she spent the most crucial developmental stages of her formative years with bob freakin' saget. that's probably why she looks like a weird little damaged monkey. bob saget would do that to anyone.

oh, and also; yesterday i was in an hour and a half meeting with my own personal bob saget. that's right. you guessed it. kent. me and kent. kent and me. for the better part of wednesday afternoon.

i was ill prepared for the meeting and at one point when the meeting turned to a deliverable that i was supposed to have but, of course, did not, i said, "yeah, well rob was supposed to give me that but he stone cold dissed me."

kent chuckled. i think he thought it was CUTE that i was using hip hop lingo at work and said, "look, if you want you can cc me on the email, so people will respond."

as if.

i mean, i know that compared to the great and powerful kent, i am but a humble peon. but, come on, i totally blow off emails from kent all the time. i think it's fair and reasonable to expect anyone else to do the exact same thing.

porkchop floss

2004-06-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

this one time at my work, this one secretary went to lunch with a bunch of the other secretaries here and she ordered porkchops.

since then, she has been referred to as porkchop among a select group of secretaries who make fun of her.

today i saw porkchop vigorously flossing her teeth in the bathroom. and when i say vigorously, i mean VIGOROUSLY. i mean, i know i should be flossing more than i am. and when i do floss i should probably be flossing with more vigour, but no way am i going to aspire to that kind of gung ho flossing action.

the week begins with more kent hatred

2004-06-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

check out this instant message exchange:

Kent ... can you e-mail me a copy of the Levi Strauss eng ltr?
Shannon O'Leary/S... i dont have a copy of that letter.
Kent ... the engagement matters SS says you do
Shannon O'Leary/S... well then it's wrong. all i have is a DRAFT copy in bart's pending eng ltr file.
Kent ... that is what I want...

how do i put up with this? i feel like a whore. but not like any old whore; like an incredibly boring whore. not like a 'ho, who's got bling coming out of her pierced belly button and not like some high class heidi fleiss gucci accessorized call girl either.

i am a straight up office whore. living the life down by the fax machine. turning tricks just to get another latte. it aint easy.

Dodgeball

2004-06-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

Go see the movie Dodgeball. It is the feel good movie of the year.

this just in

2004-06-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

I just heard that Kent gave me a good evaluation this year. Apparently, getting under his desk and blowing him helps.

hating kent continued

2004-06-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

I hate Kent on Friday because he wore a pink shirt on Tuesday. Mind you, I have nothing against guys wearing pink shirts; a lot of guys can rock that look with no problem. Kent can't do it. Plus the shirt was this electro magnetic pink that only a gay man in Nebraska would wear. Mind you, I have nothing against gay men from Nebraska either. I just hate Kent.

i hate kent on thursday

2004-06-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

I hate Kent. Kent is an evil troll dressed in tax attorney clothes who works in an office down the hall from my cube. He loves binders. He makes me make him a binder at least once a week.

Today Kent took the chair of a former co-worker of our's who was laid off last week.

Me: "That's cold."
Kent: "It's not like I don't miss him."

I think that was bad form. Or at the very least it was bad form to tell people about it. Proper ettiquette would dictate waiting until after 6 to do it and then pretending like you didnt do it.